Surrender, Dorothy

Parenting in the Digital World

I got a new freelance gig! For the next six months, I'm going to be a contract project editor for a new experiment in citizen journalism at BlogHer. The topic? Parenting in a digital world. Here's my intro post, cross-posted from BlogHer.

You've seen the talk shows and heard the playgroup buzz: What the heck are we doing about the influence of social media, cell phones, games and other technology on our little angels?

Fear not! We're here to help! Over the next six months, BlogHer is taking on a groundbreaking experiment in citizen journalism with regard to parenting in the digital age. Our digital parenting ambassadors will post analysis of breaking stories, trends, and the activities of BlogHer moms from a variety of angles. In addition, the ambassadors will blog insightful personal posts that shed light on their own parenting within the matrix. We'll be rolling out essays, technology round-ups and general navel-gazing.

We'll cover geeky parenting, technology as it's embedded in our daily lives (as parents and as participants in the community), tech trendspotting, parenting headaches and triumphs caused by our devices and the social media sphere, and the same great parenting writing you're used to seeing here. Parenting, after all, is still parenting, whether or not you're doing it with your Blackberry attached.

I know I'm excited -- I've been a BlogHer Mommy & Family contributing editor for more than three years now, and this topic has come up so many times for me personally. I'm thrilled to be working with the talented group of writers who'll be bringing you this important information.

In addition, BlogHer will host a Family Connections BlogHer group to which all our digital parenting posts will be published. The easiest way to stay in the loop is to join the group. So what are you doing? Click on over and join!

We can't wait to hear your thoughts. This is a conversation, and we want to hear from YOU -- be your own beat reporter covering the ups and downs of parenting your cyberific kids. With my own daughter in kindergarten, I need your help navigating the dark waters. Come along for the ride, my friends.

So, if this topic interests you, join the Family Connections BlogHer group, and you'll get everything pushed to you. So easy. So digital-like.

And if it doesn't, it won't live here, so no worries.

Oversharers Anonymous

So @momsatwork Tweeted this morning this link to a post at the Orlando Sentinel blog.

I read all the time about how much the damn mommybloggers are oversharing, and frankly, I think we are all guilty of it sometimes. Oversharing has a little bit of a Dr. Phil draw -- you like hearing about someone else's problems, because they make you feel so much more normal.

Many people have expressed incredulity that I write as much about my personal life as I do here. They clearly aren't reading the same people I am, because I think I'm mild on the oversharing scale. (cough)

There's emotional oversharing, and there's physical oversharing. And then there's this Tweet the post author noted from Penelope Trunk:

"I'm in a board meeting. Having a miscarriage. Thank goodness, because there's a f***ed-up 3-week hoop-jump to have an abortion in Wisconsin."

I don't know Penelope. I've never read her (to my knowledge -- because I read a lot of people when I'm researching ideas to write about). I'm not going to judge her thoughts themselves. I might be just a wee bit judgy about the fact she posted those particular thoughts on the Internet. I'm picturing her co-workers reading this and realizing they were sitting next to her talking about widgets while she was miscarrying. That would totally weeb me out if I worked with Penelope.

But then, where's the line? I probably need to cry HYPOCRITE, because I've beaten myself up about writing about crying at work knowing my co-workers read this blog. I'm sure it impacts their image of me. I get that you can't both project total confidence and write on the Internet about your hopes and fears.

I actually sat around years ago and thought about how my oversharing might impact any job I get or try to get and decided that my corporate career trajectory would fall where it lay. In the grand scheme of my life, I want my words in the world. So far, I'm having a decent time parlaying the things I've learned from writing fiction and magazine articles and blog posts into my day job as a corporate writer and editor.

Some people need that work / personal differential, and I totally get that. I need to express myself, so it seems as odd to me to not put my thoughts out there for commentary and response as my naked blogging does to some of my friends and family.  If I'd been born sixty years earlier, I probably would've written op-ed pieces or memoirs. We oversharers have always existed; we just haven't had such a lovely platform in the past.

Some personal stories need to be told, because their themes are universal. Some personal stories are just personal stories, albeit sensational personal stories. I strive to see the difference -- I don't always hit the target, but that's my intention.

And then, sometimes an anecdote is just an anecdote.

Here's the rub: Once you write a personal story on the Internet, you can't ever take it back. People -- maybe even people you know -- have physical proof of your flawed thinking, your triumphs and your failures. It's terrifying, and it's exhilerating.

My oversharing has taught me to accept my failures, learn from my mistakes and own my victories. It's also taught me I'm not all that and a bag of chips. Writing on the Internet has made me a better human being.

Publishing allows you to see exactly how others see you. It's not always how you saw yourself.

Women Are Sadder Than They Were 40 Years Ago. Quick, Read This While You're Doing Something Else.

Apparently there have been a whole lot of people talking about a new study showing women get sadder as they age, while men get happier. Arianna Huffington. Maureen Dowd. Joan Williams. Marcus Buckingham.

Buckingham kicks it off on the Huffington Post by distilling the study as follows:

All told, more than 1.3 million men and women have been surveyed over the last 40 years, both here in the U.S. and in developed countries around the world. Wherever researchers have been able to collect reliable data on happiness, the finding is always the same: greater educational, political, and employment opportunities have corresponded to decreases in life happiness for women, as compared to men.

Even though the study specifically interviewed women and men of differing marital status, most of the blog responses seem to be talking about married women.

Hmm.

Joan writes:

So, to sum it up, why do women start out happier and get bluer as they age? They start out believing in equality. And then they discover the scoop.

Joan seems a little sour grapes about the distribution of household chores. I realize every day I'm way more fortunate than many women in that Beloved does literally half of the household chores. We couldn't function if he didn't. We don't send out the laundry. We don't have a cook or a housecleaner or a lawn service. In fact, damn it! We don't have any servants at all. We just have us and our house and our jobs and only 24 hours in a day. If we didn't both pull our weight, things would just not get done. So I certainly can't blame any of my general malaise on my good-for-nothing husband, because he's a kick-ass cook who irons better than I do.

If I were coming home from working a full-time job and then doing everything? Hell, yes, I'd be depressed. How many women is this happening to? I can only speak to my immediate social circle, but the working couples I know seem to share household chores quite a bit, or else they outsource them. I only know one full-time stay-at-home mom, so I can't really speak to that crowd. Feel free to speak up and educate me -- do you do everything around the house? Do you outsource any of it? Does it make you depressed?

And why would single women be getting more depressed, if it was all about household chore distribution? I don't it's completely about that. (Though I don't discount it as a contributing factor if the chores are not shared the way they are in my house.)

Maureen writes:

The more important things that are crowded into their lives, the less attention women are able to give to each thing.

Ah. I think she might have nailed something here. For women and men, multi-tasking creates chaos, inattentiveness to detail and that general feeling of brain-fried malaise that descends on me personally every day as I drive home after being battered for eight hours by buzzing phones, 105 business e-mails, 105 personal e-mails, four meetings, six deadlines and 18 visits to my desk from co-workers needing an answer to a question.

And it sucks. Not being able to give something or someone your full attention sucks. I remember early in my career a mentor told me the best thing I could do for my mental state was give myself time to work. Give myself time to get something done correctly. Do less in each day, and do it better.

Ha! Everyone who knows me will think that is really funny. I cram a lot in. But I also recognize when I start getting depressed that I really need to pull back and hand wash some dishes or plant something in the ground. I need to do something manual and methodical that keeps my hands busy so it is LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE for me to do something else at the same time.

I've been there lately. The past two weeks, if you'll look back at my archives, had me breaking down in tears pretty much daily and in very public spaces. I didn't know what was wrong -- I just knew I was overwhelmed and weepy and a complete mess. There were too many deadlines, too much going on, too many people needed something in the same period of time. I am a perfectionist and was terrified of turning in shit. After I got home from a business trip on Thursday at 1 a.m. and got up at 7 on Friday to chaperone my daughter's kindergarten field trip, I realized the chaos had to stop, at least temporarily. No more. The end. Katie, bar the door.

Fried.

Cooked.

Depressed.

I really think that's it -- knowing you can't do a very good job at anything, because you don't have the time to dedicate to doing it the way you want to. Women have been lauded for the last few years at being better at multi-tasking, which probably means we're doing it more. Over the past forty years, there have been more and more opportunities for women to take on more tasks at once.

Fried.

Cooked.

Depressed.

Perhaps the best thing we can do for ourselves is one thing at a time.

This Is Your Brain on Chipotle

Scene: Chipotle, 12 noon

A group of co-workers sits around a circular table, debating whether or not Twitter is stupid or cool. A discussion ensues of whom to follow. Rainn Wilson. Lance Armstrong. Whom not to follow. Ashton and Demi. Anyone who sends incessant e-mails about sales or their company. (Not that we know anyone like this.)

Twitter's randomness is debated. One co-worker discusses the Bloggess's campaign to get William Shatner to unblock her, the lengths to which she went in order to read what he ate for lunch.

William Shatner begat a discussion of Boston Legal, and whether it was better before or after the entire cast turned over. One co-worker wanted to own a balcony when he gets older, just so he can invite friends over and smoke cigars. What was James Spader's character's name? Were they gay?

The questions. The haunting, burning questions.

James Spader led to David Spade and Just Shoot Me. And that actress, who was Kit in Pretty Woman, with her gap-toothed smile. What was her name?

Gap-toothed smiles? Clearly a sign of wanton lust. No, they're not. Yes, they were! At least in the Canturbury Tales. And look at Madonna. The Internet was consulted.

Yes, gap-toothed smiles = both lust and Condaleeza Rice.

And then it began to rain.

Why I Didn't Participate in PR Blackout Week

Last week was the blogosphere's first PR Blackout Week.  There was a lot of buzz about it, how bloggers are getting away from what they do best (write about stuff in their own lives, issues, etc.), how they're getting too many e-mails from PR companies, etc. etc. etc.

I admit to growing weary of this monetization discussion. It's been going on in my corner of the blogosphere for at least three of the five years I've been blogging. The only year I remember us not arguing about who is making money from their blog was the year that we were arguing over whether or not writing about diapers was a legitimate form of self-expression. And then Alice said that thing about it being radical and we all breathed a collective sigh of relief and went on to start fighting about money instead, as humans tend to do given any length of time with a particular subject.

I started my review blog when I joined the BlogHer ad network. I was part of the very first wave of the ad network back when it was BlogHer.org. I know this because I transferred ten years worth of e-mail this summer from Hotmail to Gmail and saw every e-mail I've ever received from BlogHer. Apparently I am a bit of a digital packrat. Anyway, BlogHer wanted us to keep things separate. I thought that seemed like a good idea anyway, because I didn't think I'd be doing too many reviews. (More than 100 reviews later, this is funny.) I joined Parent Bloggers Network. I realized I like reviewing some things but not others. I haven't had to pay for a book in a few years, except for a few of my friends' that I've bought, and I've read some really great stuff. For the most part, reviewing things works for me. I pick and choose what I'm going to review.

I used to just delete anything I wasn't interested in, then Average Jane made a comment about blogger outreach and people not writing back, and I felt really guilty, because a) I started out in PR myself, b) I hate it when magazine editors I pitch don't write back and c) those PR people could be little Average Janes, and man, is she awesome. So I started writing back to anything well-done and saying "No, thanks, I don't review food/beauty products/men's underwear/hemorrhoid cream." If it sucks, I still delete it, because if your pitch sucks, it sucks, and as a writer, I get that.

But because I have kept things separate, I thought the whole premise of the PR Blackout didn't apply to me. I've never gotten away from writing here because I'm so gosh-darn busy with my review schedule there. I have continued to write here nearly five days a week for five years about the categories you see in the sidebar. I've had some features rise and fall (Paging Dr. Arens was short-lived, alas, and I'm sure Let's Check in with the Ultra-Pool will die a glamorous, pill-assisted death after summer ends). Others have been neglected (My Experience with Book Publishers) as I struggle with whether it will help or hurt my career to be open about my experiences publicly. But for the most part, I self-identify as a writer, not a blogger, and the whole PR Blackout thing seemed unnecessary to me personally. I'm not annoyed by the pitches in my in-box. I think it's an interesting manifestation of the changing face of advertising. It'll die down as campaign managers figure out what works and what doesn't.

The weird part about this whole monetization thing is that it hasn't even worked out for most bloggers. Who's making the money right now? The PR people are. And they're working hard for the money. But bloggers? We might get a free trip here and there or a pair of shoes, but I'd still like to be compensated for my time. I'm less and less interested in perks as I've become more and more interested in how I can make writing more lucrative for me, how I can earn a living wage for the extreme effort I've put into my writing, whether it's here, for magazines or in books. I don't want to see writing as a profession die. I'm spending a lot of time trying to figure out how to get paid to write rather than how to get free stuff or more ads tied to traffic. I don't want to get paid for traffic; I want to get paid for the quality of my words. There was a time when writers were paid to write. I'm trying to figure out how to make what I do valuable in and of itself.

So, actually, I didn't stop running contests or doing reviews. I ran a contest last week (for which I'm very overdue at picking a winner). I'm not thumbing my nose at the PR Blackout, but I already know I blog with integrity. I support the seal -- in fact, I complained about the lack of a seal at BlogHer when the whole Wall Street Journal thing was going on -- but the bloggers I read and follow were already making it clear when they were writing about their lives and when they were writing a review or for a company. I get we needed to clarify things, but it just wasn't something I worry about. I don't worry about the new FTC guidelines -- as long as you're being clear about what you're doing, you're fine. There's just so much noise about mommybloggers, and only half of what I read about "my people" has anything to do with me or what I'm doing. Some folks hate the mommyblogger title -- I don't really care, because really? I'm a writer. And here, I'm a mommyblogger. And when I wrote for KC Weddings, I was a weddings writer. And when I do my job? I'm an editor or sometimes even a technical writer. It's a label; it helps people make sense of the world.

I will continue to come here and write, for my own entertainment and hopefully for yours. I will continue to document my experience as a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a woman. I will continue to bitch about the state of politics and healthcare. I will continue to explore the business of publishing, online and offline, to reflect on the world of work and what it's like to work outside the home and parent at the same time. I'll talk about relationships. I'll pick on James Wolcott and the Octomom. I'll make fun of anything I think will be generally harmless. And I'll point you over to other writing I'm doing, to reviews and giveaways, and I HOPE HOPE HOPE someday I'll try to coerce you into buying my next book. I'll beg you to get a Kindle for Christmas so you can read my poetry and short stories. I'll wait nervously to see if you liked them. I'll post some photos that made me smile. I'll give you a window into my conversations with my very smart and witty husband, friends and co-workers.

What will I not do? Let the rest of the blogosphere, PR agency or mom group, tell me what to write and when.

Sorry. That's not how I roll.

An Antidote to the Black Helicopters

BlogHer '09: A Photo Essay

Here, in no particular order, was my BlogHer experience.

 

Cute, short, well-dressed people who sometimes eat dinner with me. Just kidding. It's Chris and Susan!

 

Yes, I purposely put the blondes on one side and the brunettes on the other! It's Mir and Average Jane (otherwise known as my hometown friend of 10+ years Celeste). I really bonded with Chris and Mir in the past at BlogHer Business, and I was thrilled as hell to capture all four of these people on Wednesday night for dinner. It was a high point.

 

The lovely Stefania at the beginning of the Ford "we don't make the Festiva" plant tour. Stefania once offered to put me up at her house during the Sleep Is for the Weak book tour, and I think she's fabulous.

 

Me thinking how proud my dad will be when he sees this photo.

 

This is unflattering of me, but Izzy always looks pretty. I'm so glad she made it this year after the foot-bashing of years past. I still remember her giving out little metal pins by the pool in San Jose and thinking "Jesus, that woman is pretty."

 

This dude's t-shirts so totally got him in trouble. Call me a loser, but I thought it was funny.

 

Cagey and another of the outrageous t-shirts. To this I say, which is more obnoxious? The t-shirt or the fact the guy wearing it would think 1,400 women would think he was cute wearing it?

The People's Party made Blondie and Cagey both sweat and exit stage left within minutes. I was in a sorority, so I thought it was fun.

 

Bossy stayed in Chateau Travolta last year (was it last year?) and saw my grandmother through new eyes. I have her to thank for the lovely framed postcard collection in my library. Also, she made waiting for Carson a little easier.

 

Kelly, Lindsay and Catherine, looking lovely.

 

Heather, Karen and Kelly, looking nothing at all alike but all like my peeps.

 

Lindsay, who always looks this pleasant.

 

This sight still makes me happy.

 

Don't drop acid before attending BlogHer.

 

The last time I saw Kristen, Margot was IN HER BELLY. Kristen took me in for the Atlanta SIFTW book tour, and she is awesome.

 

Another reason not to trip at BlogHer.

 

I spent a surreal 15 minutes explaining to someone from across the pond what the hell the wienermobile is and why it exists in this world. I found myself growing inexplicably passionate for America, Fuck Yeah.

 

Amy and Rita after we abandoned the SIFTW signing for karoake listening and wine.

 

Sassymonkey and my sis Blondie. Redheads, man.

 

Me and my soul-sistah Liz.

 

Me, the Energizer Bunny (who responded solely to voice command) and Backpacking Dad.

 

Amy, who I hung with in Chicago last year for the SIFTW book tour, and whom I love because she has slept on the floor at least as many times as I have.

 

Me and Jen of Jen and Tonic, who has moved her blog. Stay tuned for her new home.

 

Me, Amy and Tracey at MamaPop Prom.

 

Cagey and I with the most amazing cake I have ever seen. And yes, I'm always this mature.

 

Megan, whom I sat next to at Blogs to Book the Third, and to whom I said a few times, "Did she REALLY JUST SAY THAT???"

 

Joanne, for whom I wrote a Mothers of Intention post that got me into the Kirtsy book. Joanne, thanks for making me stretch.

 

Quite possibly my favorite pic from BlogHer '09.

 

The sparklecorn says WTF ARE YOU DOING TO MY ASS?

 

Jenny Lauck and me!

 

My sister and I spooned every night. It was so great to spend that time with her. Even if she is a total bed hog.

 

SwagHer or just bad packer? You be the judge.

 

Grace, Celeste and Me, as we ran out the door to the airport.

If I don't have a photo of you up and you know I took one, just know that it wasn't flattering, and I believe in posting only flattering photos of my friends. :)

I am so sad I don't have photos of me with my three heroines, Lisa Stone, Elisa Camahort Page and Jory Des Jardins, co-founders of BlogHer and my mentors and friends. I salute them for all they have done for women writers. You did a great job, ladies.

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We have a winner for the KC Sunlight Day Spa package on Surrender, Dorothy: Reviews!

Flashbacks from BlogHer09

Hello again! I missed you! I have another micro poetry collection that will be out on Friday. It's cheery! It's about war. I'll put it with the others on Kindle. In the meantime, here's my BlogHer round-up. I will attempt to put up some photos of the high points tonight, and then I promise I'll go back to the Ultra-Pool.

Proudest Moments:

• Made a bunch of new friends at the BlogHerHumor session -- and they wanted to talk about writing! as in not content, writing! Meter! Word choice! I almost peed myself. Really. I did. I felt more comfortable in that group than I have ever felt in any other group at BlogHer.

• Got time with almost all the people I desperately wanted to see, and some more than once. You know who you are.

• Felt really good about my session on balance. Felt, dare I say it? Balanced. You may now vomit.

• No hangovers. At all. I have finally learned to pace myself, just in time to fall asleep in my glowball headband shortly after midnight.

• Got a fabulous photo of the cake at Sparklecorn because they sliced into its haunches and I freaked out at the skin-like quality of fondant.

• Blondie -- crowd-hating, heights-hating Blondie -- rode the ferris wheel at Navy Pier by herself.

• The first annual Crawdad Reunion pulled together successfully. Welcome, Elisa.

• Not once did I feel I wasn't interesting enough, pretty enough, smart enough or funny enough. Not once did I feel that way about anyone else, either. I must be evolving or maturing or maybe just drinking less.

• When the bookseller told me they'd way over-ordered Sleep Is for the Weak and then only sold 10 copies as of Saturday morning because she *thought* it was really popular, I didn't punch her in the face. And when she said, "That's okay, though, we'll just send them back," I managed to politely smile as I thought, "Never say that to an author. THAT BELONGS IN YOUR INNER MONOLOGUE."

• I didn't attend one session in which I heard the term "monetization." Because, you know? It's still not actually a word.

Least Proud Moments:

• It only took two hours for me to step in a crater on the way to the liquor store with Average Jane and go from chatting pleasantly to flat on my back on the cement. And I was not drunk, just clumsy.

• Didn't stick with Sleep Is for the Weak signing because a) none of the contributors could find it b) none of the readers could find it c) I couldn't hear the karoake properly.  If you bought a book and want signatures, e-mail me -- we'll figure it out. If you've never bought the book, Judas Priest, what are you waiting for?

• Was frequently late for morning things because I love to sleep. I wasn't out late. I just love to sleep.

• Never saw Eden Kennedy for more than two seconds. Sob.

Uncategorized:

• MamaPop apparently hates Gwyneth Paltrow.

• No matter how often I said, "When are you going to bring back the Festiva?" nobody at Ford would acknowledge that fine automobile. (Although they did give a nice tour -- I'll be doing a round-up on my review blog later.)

• I'm positive I now hate hard alcohol. I tried two sips of a margarita and decided it's me and wine, together forever. Anything else is too hard to pace and it tastes like sweetened rubber dog shit.

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Writing about schooling your kids in the summertime on BlogHer today.

WTF, Twitter?

Looks like @ritaarens has been suspended on Twitter. I'm trying to figure it out. Can anyone tell me what I've supposedly been tweeting the past few days?

Chicks Who Click: Get On Down to Kansas City in May and See Me

On May 16, we'll be talking social media in Kansas City at the first-ever Kansas City Chicks Who Click one-day conference.  I'll be speaking on a panel called "Where's the Line? Transparence vs. Privacy."  Because, you know, I'm so good with that line. heh

My good friend Celeste from Average Jane will be speaking on "Customizing Your Social Toolbox," and you can also meet:

• Zena Weist
• Deb Averett
• Doyle Albee
• Christy Nelson
• Tara Anderson
• Jenn Bailey
• Christina Maki
• Mark Logan
• Jenny Love
• Some person named Erin Kotecki Vest

My session is at 2:45, and I'd love to see you there! Even if you're not from Kansas City, I can assure you it's worth the trip. May is a lovely time of year here, and Kansas City has great art and great food (like that FoodieBytes action -- tell Cagey -- it's X's company) and often shocks world travelers with its charm. We have a lot of fountains here, people.

Sign up! Come and see me!

Online Event Registration - Powered by www.eventbrite.com

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