I started reading a book about narcissism last night. (I'll review when I finish.) It got me to thinking about my little joke yesterday about what if people wanted to read your diary, because I admit I often worry that my wish for people to read my blog equates to staring at my reflection in the water while Echo's cries fall on silent ears.
I've heard many bloggers say they never look at their stats, they don't care if anyone reads their blogs, they just do it for the writing. I want to believe them, really I do. But I think we must have different ancestors if that's the case. I'm pretty sure if people put things out in a public forum, they want people to look at them. I feel that way about everything from Lucite platforms to green hair to novels. Yes, it's a form of self-expression, but it also invites commentary or at least a second glance. While I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with wanting a little attention, I think we should just be honest about it.
Hi, I'm Rita, and I really want you to read my blog. And my book. And my novel, if I can get it published. I admit it.
The book, which I swear I will review, Publisher People, also cited research indicating there has been a sharp increase in narcissistic traits since the year 2000. When blogging really started taking hold? When MySpace appeared on the scene? When did all that happen? (Friendster: 2002) The graph looks like gangbusters between 2000-2008, the last year for which data was available, but I'll bet after the Real Housewives series came out, it took another spike. It was about that time that people started being famous for being famous and reality television became the game shows of the new millennium.
In my blogging circles, there is always a lot of backchannel and public chatter about building a personal brand. In the publishing industry, there is talk of author platforms. Basically, how much do people already like you and how likely are they to buy anything you write just because you are you? And I wonder -- why must the writer and the writing be connected? I read plenty of stuff by evil geniuses who I'm pretty sure are assholes in real life. Conversely, I know tons of writers who I like a great deal personally, but I don't read their writing because it doesn't speak to me.
Is all this pressure to put myself out there turning me into an asshole?
Apparently, narcissism has a lot in common with good self-esteem, but the hinge point is a lack of empathy for others, as is evidenced nightly by the Kardashians and Kate Gosselin. It is good salve to realize if you are worried you are an asshole, you probably aren't a genuine asshole, but all this talk about preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love can make anyone nervous. Is there anyone who doesn't want success? Ideal love?
Clearly, our generation is a little self-absorbed. That graph was disturbing. The swift uptick coincides exactly with reality television and the Internet. And here I sit, tapping away at my personal blog, hoping you will come and read it and wondering -- am I full of myself? I am not looking for a real answer here, because I'm sort of afraid of the answer.
As much as I want to tell myself no, I'm a creature of the generation that thinks all children should be told they are special, that you get an award for showing up, that everyone deserves quite a bit of attention. I comfort myself, saying, "But I don't want attention for my car or my figure or my hair or my sparkling personality, I want it for my writing!"
Healthy ambition or grandiose distortion of talent? Am I just full of myself?
And will I have the nerve to publish or seek a publisher if I'm not?
