Love. It's a bitch, right?
When I met Stacy Morrison, the woman who wrote the foreward to Sleep Is for the Weak and the editor of Redbook, I was surprised at how, um, human she was. I was prepared for The Devil Wears Prada, but Stacy was more The Devil Wears Prada But Will Tell You How She Totally Picked It Up on Sale on the Way to Daycare. She was not the fancy-pants New York City editor I was expecting.
Over the past few years, we've met a handful of times at this conference or that meeting (I met her in her office in New York City once and sat there attempting to pretend that was totally normal for me, to be staring out at framed magazine covers and shit while she told a story about breaking her shoulder or something while skiing, brandishing her sling like a shield worn tastefully paired with chunky earrings) or dinner, and I remain so totally impressed with her balance of for-real professional she-tiger and her complete approachability. I say all this because it's hard to wrap your head around how incredibly raw this woman-with-a-huge-job really is, especially in her new book, Falling Apart In One Piece. Which is about HER DIVORCE. Could I write a book about my relationship? I could not.
It's one thing to hear, "Oh, Stacy wrote a book about divorce." You hear that kind of like you hear "a building collapsed on people in Haiti." You hear it, and you understand it intellectually, and then you see the photo of a building laying on people, and you realize HOLY HELL, A BUILDING COLLAPSED IN HAITI.
It's like that watching another of my personal she-tiger/mommy heroes, BlogHer CEO (and divorced woman) Lisa Stone interview Stacy about the book, about the divorce, about Stacy sobbing on the floor while her son circled her saying, "Mommy cry." I submitted a question when Lisa called for them on BlogHer asking how much she showed her son, Zach, who is just I think is just a year older than my little angel. I've never been through a divorce, but it doesn't really matter what you're sad about -- as someone who battles anxiety, I struggled in the past with trying to present someone safe and happy when I wasn't feeling that way. I needed to hear some other mother tell me what you say when you're forced to comfort a child who's scared by your uncontrollable emotions. You know what she said? "It's part of life. You prefer not to show it, but you pick yourself up, get yourself dressed, and get out the door." And maybe pair some nice jewelry with your clavicle sling.
The interview shows that the book is really about more than divorce. This whole conversation, to me, is really about love. You can't expect someone else to just follow your life plan without regard for their own interests. You can't expect someone else to fulfill your every need. You have to be a whole and complete person first before you can really fully love. It's a journey we all have to take, either alone or within a relationship.
I admit I cried watching part of these videos, because I can't imagine the pain and destitution Stacy felt crying on her kitchen floor as her marriage ended. She said, "No army of friends could meet me in my alone." And it's true. We all have to live our lives. Nobody can live them for us. Friends, family and lovers can be there to support us and hold our hands, but ultimately, emotionally, existentially, we all die alone.
It can be a sad message or a happy message, depending on your outlook. For me, it was a huge relief to realize nobody could "fix me" but me. I have a lot more leverage with myself than anyone else. I needed, in my relationship, to stop playing the victim all the time and take responsibility for my own happiness.
And I'm never going to lose me to death or disease or other horrible crisis. I hope to God I don't lose Beloved, but I can't put that kind of pressure on him. I have to know I can stand on my own two feet when my parents pass away or my friends move six states over or my daughter leaves for college whether or not he is there for me to lean on. I can't have him or me or anyone else thinking I am so fragile I can't survive without him. I love my husband more than anyone else, but I have to know I'll be okay, no matter what.
And that's what this interview is about. Just bring the Kleenex.
