I have admitted before I have a subscription to Star magazine. I got it during the Brad & Jennifer debacle a few years ago, when I became unnecessarily fascinated by watching America's golden couple go to bloody hell. I'm not particularly proud of it, nor am I super proud of my subscription (especially after reviewing Dr. Drew Pinsky's book on celebrity narcissism), but I'm an adult and therefore am capable of separating fantasy from reality. Also, I like my hypocrisy on sourdough.
I only let the little angel look at the red-carpet dresses, I swear.
I'm usually just amused by the "best and worst beach bodies" issue, but this week I wrote on BlogHer about body acceptance, so the arrival of my weekly dose of "even rich people can #suckit" didn't sit as well as usual.
This week, it just sort of pissed me off.
I mean, please, media people. I remember this one from a few years ago.
Here we have Sharon Stone, who is a good twenty years older than me, I think. From the back, me on an awesome, Mel-B-strengthened day. From the front -- never me in my WILDEST DREAMS. The woman is like 50! Jesus.
This one came from ABC Fucking News.
God forbid = skin in motion. ABC, that's some hard-hitting, journalistic shit you've got there.
But? I realize I'm feeding it with that Star subscription. There's something about humans that can't look away when flaws are pointed out. We love it. We live for it. Do you go seeking out people's accomplishments? Hell, no! You wait for them to look bad or screw up. Even babies think physical comedy is funny. Is it so wrong of us?
I'm not sure. I'm honestly having an existential crisis over this.
On the one hand, I want to feel good about myself (which, after years and years of working on it, I do, even when I catch site of myself in a pair of shrunk-in-the-wash gym shorts, like I did tonight at the gym - AISHA). I used to think, when I saw my own cellulite OHMYGODICANNEVEREATAGAINIWILLNOWDIE. Tonight, I actually caught myself thinking, "I bet a spray tan would smooth those bumps right out." Does aging make you crazy?
Crazy like a fox.
Because, seriously? This is NOT FAT.
The good news is that women are starting to get real. If you read the comments under the photo above, you'll see a bunch of women telling the site to grow the fuck up.
What? I'm not sure some of this counts as cellulite...this gallery is hideously offensive to all women.
Um...water droplets are not cellulite. Neither are muscles. I see Melissa's comment, and raise it: *all* of the bodies here are awesome.
Am I perfect and above all celebrity gossip? Regretably, no. I wish I were. I like watching Speidi get kicked off reality shows just as much as the next person, and I was totally into the John and Kate thing until I remember OH SHIT THEY HAVE LITTLE CHILDREN. Then it was no fun anymore. But I am getting totally tired of people pretending that genetic perfect individuals who spend thousands on personal trainers and nutritionists and who admit in public they're always hungry and exercise three hours a day are fat.
They're not fat. We're jealous of their lives, so we want to tear them down.
They're normal. Their asses look just like yours the older they get.
So take heart, America. We all could use a sarong. Let's lower the goddamn standards, eh?
