I admit it. I check out my own ass in the mirror just about every day. My ass is my least favorite body part, although it's in close competition with my upper thighs. CLOSE.
I've come to realize, though, that it's not my ass itself that bothers me. It's the area directly BELOW my ass, the area which is not quite 100% ass or thigh, the area that makes you feel utterly naked in a swimming suit. It is...the underass.
It's the area of your body that doesn't tan in a tanning bed, leaving little white half-moons that scream I was more effective in blocking UV rays than Banana Boat. It's the area where cellulite goes to die. It's the area for which the multi-million dollar Spanx industry was created. It's liposuction's biggest crush. It's the area that tells the world you're not 15 years old anymore.
It's the underass. And I hate mine. Who doesn't hate theirs? Strippers. And maybe Madonna. And that 41-year-old Olympic swimmer. Do we hate the tops of our asses? NO. My ass cleavage is actually sort of fine. If it were more appropriate, I'd show it off, since I don't have the normal variety of cleavage. What if you could do that? Show off your ass cleavage the way my more well-endowed sisters let loose with the v-necked tanks at happy hour? It could've opened up a whole new world for me when I was single, I'll tell you that. Pisser.
But anyway, no, it's not the top of the ass. It's not the sides of the ass. It's that part you can see from the front during a deep plie. It's that part with which one is presented after a Brazilian wax when there's nothing left to obstruct one's vision. It's that part you'd like to pretend is not following you around everywhere you go and quite literally bringing you down. It's the part men don't have.
It's the underass, ladies. Oh, yes it is.
