The squirrels in my backyard have been arguing over political strategy. I placed a hidden microphone on my deck and was startled to realize the two top squirrels leading this contingency are named Squirrel Biden and Squirrel Palin. Here's the transcript from their conversation yesterday. I thought you might be interested.
Squirrel Biden: Well, Squirrel Palin, how are you coming along with your nut gathering?
Squirrel Palin: We're doing gosh-darn peachy. We've shored up the perimeter. I've only done this for one tree before, but it was a big tree, rich in natural resources. How about you?
Squirrel Biden: I've controlled that forest over there for the past twenty years while raising two squirrels on my own.
Squirrel Palin: You're always talking about that, Biden. You talk too much.
Squirrel Biden: (muttering under breath) At least I have something to say that's not folksy. And dammit, I think I've been pretty succinct the past few days.
Squirrel Palin: (runs to top of tree, smiling cheerily) Hey, Biden! I can see Russia from here!
Squirrel Biden: Have you read your briefs, Palin?
Squirrel Palin: (winks) Um, no. But I did make a list of them here, which I can read for you. Would you like to hear a joke?
Squirrel Biden: (groaning) NO.
Squirrel Palin: What's the difference between a pit bull and a hockey squirrel?
Squirrel Biden: GOD, PALIN.
Squirrel Palin: Lipstick.
Squirrel Biden: If you tell that fucking joke one more time, I'm going to stop attacking your running mate and start talking about how stupid you are. I know a lot of smart female squirrels, and you are not one of them. So where are we going to bury our nuts, Palin?
Squirrel Palin: I was thinking we should bury them in the Arens flower boxes. Yesterday I knocked out an entire mum plant.
Squirrel Biden: Are you crazy? The Arens family fills that birdfeeder we can climb onto every day! Why aren't you burying them in the neighbors' yard? They hate woodland creatures AND flowers.
Squirrel Palin: Well, maybe this shows how much of a squirrel outsider I really am. (beams vapidly) I guess I thought since the Arens house is RIGHT HERE we should take advantage of their flowerboxes. So much more convenient! And it'll reduce our dependency on foreign nuts! But then, I'm just a hockey squirrel from the great state of Alaska, where we shoot our moose good. Sometimes from the air!
Squirrel Biden: But if we knock out the mums, we'll ruin those natural resources and your kids won't have any environment.
Squirrel Palin: Drill, baby drill!
Squirrel Biden: Is that really your stance? Seriously? Seriously. Seriously! What does Squirrel McCain think?
Squirrel Palin: Um, I'm not sure. But I'll find out and I'll e-mail you. (winks)
Squirrel Biden: Oh, my God. We're all doomed. Where's Barack?
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I'm getting ready to head out for San Francisco, baby. Praying for no rain. Please come out and see us if you're in town. This is my last trip sans the little angel and Beloved -- they are coming with me to Chicago next week and Omaha on Oct. 25. So I guess that means I should really get drunk. And look who will be there!
Saturday, Oct. 4 - Rita Arens, Eden Marriott Kennedy, Stefania Pomponi Butler, Lisa Stone, Grace Davis, Jen Scharpen and Jenny Lauck give a signing at Swig in San Francisco from 5-7 p.m. (561 Geary St, San Francisco, CA 94102). Sponsored by Graco.
