Family Planning

My beloved and I had another big talk this weekend about whether or not to have another child.  This followed a conversation I had on Saturday night with Steph about babies and children and how they change a family dynamic.  She leaned across the table, staring at me suspiciously.  "It really sounds like you don't want another child," she said.

She also thought it strange I didn't really have a read on my beloved.  He's of the "fiddle dee dee, let's think about it another day" train of thought when it comes to family planning, while I'm more of the "I'm the carrier - I need to wrap my mind around it if I'm going to go through another nine months of roller-coaster sickness, hormonal outbursts, unencumbered weight gain and partial baldness with the result of another bundle of joy who I will simultaneously want to inhale with love and also want to leave outside for the squirrels" train of thought. I can't NOT KNOW if we are or aren't having another child.

So we talked about it again. I said no, he said maybe, and I told him I need to call the game by my 34th birthday. I can't handle the NOT KNOWING and the staring at the piles of baby stuff in the basement if I'm not going to need it.  I kind of want to get rid of it. I was at a birthday party for Me's adorable daughter this weekend with our friend L. and Cagey and Average Jane.  After the childless escaped left, we started talking about second and third children. Cagey's done, Me might want another, and they know how I am. Cagey pointed out that I could probably ditch the clothes, because even if I had another girl, there's no guarantee the sizes would match up.  Plus, I have too many clothes - a tub for each year of life.  I'm no clothes horse (though the little angel is growing to be), but I bought these huge lots of clothes off Ebay because the little angel used to coat her entire body in yogurt and baby food at every meal, and as a baby, she was a "spitter."  Anyway, there are all these clothes, and all this stuff, and it just feels like a finger pointing at me every time I go downstairs saying "You should have another baby because you have all the stuff." SHOULD SHOULD SHOULD WOULDA SHOULDA COULDA

I know Favorite SIL would like it if we stuck with one, as she has an only child and he and the little angel could give each other some props if attacked by their gang of many-siblinged cousins.  The little angel has 14 first cousins on my beloved's side.

So anyway, we left it at that.  We'll revisit it in February.  But if I'm really honest with myself, I really like our family the way it is. I like my life the way it is. Even if there were more money, I don't know that I'd feel differently.  However, my beloved, knowing I'm a wild vacillator, said we should give it until the spring to see what happens if our financial situation improves.  Maybe it will give me the strength of thousands.

Or not. 

Here's some more on family planning at BlogHer.