Who Does She Cry For?

Who saw Grey's Anatomy last night?

And who bawled their eyes out when that little girl asked for her nanny instead of her mommy?

And who wanted to kick Meredith for saying working mothers shouldn't have kids if they want high-powered careers?  For not understanding that choices regarding work and motherhood are in fact sometimes choices between child and self?

I don't want a "high-powered" career, as in, I don't want a career I can't handle.  I've never heard anyone say, "Damn, I wish I would've missed more time with my child so I could go to a meeting."  But really - no one sets out to neglect their children.  I really don't believe they do.  I also don't believe anyone who *cares* about her career sets out to neglect it, either.  Some people don't care about their careers, or their jobs, and that's fine.  It's a much less difficult a choice, in fact, if you don't.

Recently I asked for a full-time job at my current place of contract employment.  I even asked (gasp!) for a flex-time, four-day-a-week job.  It probably won't be possible for them to give it to me (what am I saying, of course it would be possible, but they probably won't give it to me), but it took a lot to get me to ask for it.  A mentor of mine told me if you want it, you have to ask for it.  She actually also said I would be a wimp if I didn't ask for it.  She said, "I think women of your generation are too content with the status quo."  Telling me I should ask for it wouldn't have worked - shame worked.

So I asked.  I've been working a gazillion hours on my current project.  I've done decent work. I think they will give me a job of some sort at the end of my contract.  And best, they've acknowledged my insistence that I be able to handle my job, whatever it may be.  My insistence that I not lose myself in the work to the point that my daughter can't find me. 

I can't bear for her to cry for a nanny.

She doesn't now, and I think she never will, but that episode struck a chord for me, and I'll bet it did for many working women, especially those who do love their careers.  I'm starting to happen upon projects I DO love and could easily lose myself in, if I gave myself permission.  Sometimes it seems selfish to grant myself time to work on these projects, because there are so many other things I should do.  I end up working on them in my only free time, the hour or two I have before I go to bed.  I go to bed later.  I sacrifice free time.  My mind won't shut off for an hour after I force myself into bed and start attempting to clear my mind for sleep.

Those times are the times that I understand how it could happen.  I understand how you could lose your daughter.  And it scares me. 

Lisa Stone once told me she was afraid of her ambition.  I can see why - she's brilliant and frightening in action, with so much to say and so much behind what she's said.  She's made choices, though, to be a good mother. She reminded me that you have to be careful not to get everything you want at the same time.  How will you say no to any of it?

I think that's what made me cry on the couch last night.  There are so many things I want in my career.  Things I've dreamed about since I was a little girl.  What will happen to the little angel if I get them? 

I'll tell you one thing, she will NOT be crying for the nanny.  Over my dead body.  But will I end up crying for my dreams?