The Commonwealth of This Old House v. Mommy
Now presiding, the Honorable Little Angel. All rise.
Issue: Plaintiff claims defendant asks unanswerable questions and won't leave him alone. Both plaintiff and defendant have waived their rights to proper legal representation and will be foolishly representing themselves. Plaintiff is seeking ten additional hours of uninterrupted football-viewing time and three weeks off bedtime duty.
The case will be heard under the laws of Kansas City, Missouri.
Plaintiff: "Your honor, I've been married to the defendant for five years. She started out asking if she looked fat in her jeans. Then she went on to asking if she was still attractive to me when she was nine months pregnant. Now she's asking if she should get a wig. I can't stand it."
Honorable Little Angel: "Daddy, what doing?"
Plaintiff: "I'm suing Mommy, honey. Remember, you're supposed to be the judge."
Honorable Little Angel: "Mommy, stop it! BE NICE."
Defendant: "But Your Honor, Daddy doesn't listen to Mommy. My hair has been falling out for two months. I can see my scalp. I'm simply asking your father for some emotional support, and all he wants to do is watch the Vikings."
Honorable Little Angel: "Bad Daddy. Mommy's hair is pretty."
Plaintiff: "There's no right answer to any of her questions. If I say I don't care that her hair is falling out, I'm a freak or a liar. If I say she looks funny, I hurt her feelings. If I say I can't tell, then I'm not paying attention. I can't win. I just want to shower in the morning, not examine her hairline."
Defendant: "I need emotional support. A woman's hair is sort of a freak thing for her. I don't even have good hair, but I don't want it to fall out!"
Plaintiff: "La, la, I can't hear you. I keep telling you it's fine, it won't all fall out, but you don't listen. That's why I'm now suing you."
Defendant: "Your Honor, this lawsuit is ridiculous. He's not being injured."
Honorable Little Angel: "I don't like corn in my mac and cheese. Mommy put it there."
Defendant: "I'm leaving. I'm going to go get a Jessica Simpson wig."
Plaintiff: "If you're getting a wig, then so am I. No, I'm going to get hair plugs."
Honorable Little Angel: "Mommy, can I wear my Little Mermaid dress to school today?"
Defendant: "Sure, honey. Now take off that black robe and let's go get a snack."
Plaintiff: "Will you maybe get a pink wig? That might be cool."
Court is now in recess. The defendant is going to a doctor today to see if a pink wig or Jessica Simpson hair extensions will be necessary. If so, expect a countersuit coming soon to The Toddler's Court.