Surrender, Dorothy: Reviews

The Essential Stay-at-Home Mom Manual

Shannon Hyland-Tassava is a long-time Surrender, Dorothy reader, and so of course I was eager to review her new book, The Essential Stay-at-Home Mom Manual, even though I was only a SAHM for three months on maternity leave. I admit to seeking a voyeuristic peek at what life is like for those not hitting the nine-to-five.

Shannon's a clincial psychologist, writer and wellness coach. I don't think she ceases to be any of those things just because she's currently at home, and that experience informs this book -- it is not only a guide for structuring your days at home with wee ones, but also for refocusing your mind on the new tasks at hand. Everyone's different, but some people adjust easier to going from lots of structure and lots of feedback to ... none. Even though there were days when my daughter was younger when I truly longed to be a SAHM, I know it would've been hard for me to adjust to fewer measurable goals.

There were two major takeaways from this book for me. One was how to reframe negative self-talk into positive. Example: Instead of focusing on the lack of feedback in your new job, recognize there is also no set-in-stone job description -- instead, you get to write one for yourself! (Makes being a SAHM even more tempting, doesn't it?) 

The second takeaway was much more practical: How to break down cleaning your house so you don't spend three hours every weekend doing it. I loved Shannon's day-by-day guide. The only problem I'm having is that I have moved "vacuum" on my to-do list every day for a week because of work fires. However, this probably works a lot better when you have more control over your daylight hours. 

 

Trafficked

Before I read Trafficked, a young adult novel by Kim Purcell, I knew pretty much zero about human trafficking in the United States. I met Kim through a woman I met at BlogHer Writers '11, and when I heard about the subject of her novel, I asked if I could have a copy to review.

Trafficked is the story of Hannah from Maldova, who is called "Elena" by her Russian-American owners, whom she thinks are her employers. Lost yet? So is poor Hannah. She thinks she's in the U.S. legitimately to work as a nanny paid $400 a week to care for kids and do minimal housework. Her parents are dead and her uncle is missing, and her grandmother desperately needs surgery that Hannah's salary can quickly pay for -- she thinks.

When Hannah arrives in her new home, she's shown to a room in the garage, even though there's a guest room in the house. "Minimal housework" quickly becomes "scrub the house from top to bottom daily," and she's not allowed outside except late at night to take out the garbage. Despite the sadness of Hannah's situation, it was fascinating to watch her start to piece together what has happened to her. As she pokes holes in the stories of her captors, I found myself turning the pages faster and faster. 

The novel got even more interesting when I read a guest post by Kim Purcell on The Story Siren, describing a research trip she took to Maldova:

I followed her off the bus. Outside, large men in black overcoats swarmed around us. They didn’t look like drivers. Nor did they look like nice Moldovan men coming to pick up their wives. The Moldovans walked past them into waiting cars or walked over to a nearby bus stop to wait. I also attempted to ignore the men as I got off, but they all started yelling at me, telling me in broken English they could help me. I’d experienced this in many countries, but these men were bigger, pushier and more intimidating than what I’d experienced before. Some of the men just stood there, arms crossed over their broad chests, glowering at me. I thought, I’m here to research trafficked girls, not become one of them.

Sort of bone-chilling to find out how many of the scenes in the novel could still be happening -- here in the U.S. in 2012. Trafficked is about an important subject, and Hannah is completely relatable as a young adult who's been dealt a pretty bad hand yet still manages to find good in every day. Skip the scary news articles and learn about human trafficking through Hannah's eyes to see how it could really happen today.

Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find -- and Keep -- Love

I am not a huge fan of relationship books, but I am fascinated with how the human brain works, particularly from an evolutionary perspective. I also happen to like books with one-word titles. And then Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find -- and Keep -- Love, by Amir Levine, M.D. and Rachel S.F. Heller, M.A. arrived in the mail for review. (Ignore the subtitle. There is totally a period after that title.)

I read it in two days.

Prior to my marriage, I viewed myself as "needy." Maybe even "clingy." But I tried very hard NOT to appear this way while delivering bad poetry to the objects of my desire. It's really embarrassing to even think about. But I also would go to great lengths to pretend like I didn't care about any of it. (Until I let it all come out in my bad poetry, which was very mysterious and arty of me.) I also spent a lot of time beating myself up for feeling so clingy when I was clearly drawn like a magnet to men who were not very communicative at all when I myself type 85 words a minute and can wax philosophical for pages about an apple. 

Then I met my husband. And he returned my calls. And my emails. And he didn't write two vague sentences laden with imagined subtext -- he wrote exactly what he was thinking. And he wrote it in an extremely witty manner. And often! 

I was confused. What the hell was wrong with him? Didn't he know he was supposed to torture me with his inability to make plans for next weeek? But no, he did not. He made plans for next month or even next Christas, and less than a year after we met, he moved to Kansas City from Iowa.

And I haven't been accused -- by myself or others -- of being clingy since.

Attached goes into why my story could be true. The authors describe three adult attachment styles: avoidant, secure and anxious. It describes the beahviors assigned to each style. And guess what? Avoidant and anxious should not date! 

NEWSFLASH!

But it also sort of IS a newsflash, at least if you're either the sort of person who needs space who has ever dated someone who needs his own shelf on your refrigerator after the first date or vice versa. 

Here's a choice quote: 

Pietromonaco and Carnelley believe that these attachment styles actually complement each other in a way. Each reaffirms the other's beliefs about themselves and about relationships. The avoidants' defensive self-perception that they are strong and independent is confirmed, as is the belief that others want to pull them into more closeness than they are comfortable with. The anxious types find that their perception of wanting more intimacy than their partner can provide is confirmed, as is their atnticipation of ultimately being let down by significant others. So, in a way, each style is drawn to reenact a familiar script over and over again.

I try to write balanced book reviews, but I loved this book so much I immediately gave it to my sister and didn't get it back and had to write the publisher for another one because I couldn't wait to write this review. If you're stuck in bad relationship after bad relationship and think there is something wrong with you, READ THIS BOOK. It talks about how to spot behaviors that just aren't going to work for your attachment style and what to look for in someone who can bring you closer to the secure attachment style -- which is the one in which you don't worry because you feel loved, wanted and appreciated most of the time.

Which is where I am now. And it rocks.

The Literary Ladies Guide to the Writing Life

I was in a bit of a trough regarding the novel I just finished and the one I'm mulling when I got a copy of The Literary Ladies by Nava Atlas for review.

It's a book culled from the personal letters and diaries of Louisa May Alcott, Jane Austen, Charlotte Bronte, Willa Cather, Edna Ferber, Madeline L'Engle, L.M. Montgomery, Anais Nin, George Sand, Harriet Beecher Stowe, Edith Wharton and Virginia Woolf on all manner of subjects from writing with kids in the house to rejection to writing for money. 

I was surprised at its size and shiny pages and high production values. I actually would've liked it better as a trade paperback -- because I totally trashed it by highlighting the important bits. There were a lot of them. When I opened it, I thought ugh, I'm not sure I'll like this, because even though I love me a good quote, I really hate gift books. I have no idea why -- this is totally a personal issue for me.

Regardless. This book was full of really useful advice and reflection culled from personal letters to friends and publishers. I can no more imagine writing to my publisher about my feelings than farting in the Costco line, but perhaps I haven't had the right publisher yet. I was touched by the raw emotion these women put into their correspondence, and also by how much they suffered over their art. In my mind, I suppose, well known, long-ago writers had it easy locked in their garrets and didn't have to suffer through the writing of query letters or the distraction of peanut-butter-covered children. Naive, I know, but the extent of how naive I was is evident after reading this book. 

Here's one of my favorite quotes from one of my favorite writers, Madeline L'Engle, who had her amazing Wrinkle in Time turned down over and over and over and over and over because it was dark and it was for children:

"If I never had another book published, I still had to go on writing. I'm glad I made this decision in the moment of failure. It's easy to say you're a writer when things are going well. When the decision is made in the abyss, then it is quite clear it is not one's decision at all."

I also loved this sentence, written by the author, and intend to perhaps make it into a cross-stitch sampler: 

"Though it's never easy, it's good to know that women can rock the cradle with one hand and rock the world with the other."

Hell to the yes. Got a woman writer friend who needs a boost? This is a good pick-me-up.

Giveaway: Kindle Fire!

Hi everyone! I'm giving away a Kindle Fire from 11/1/2011-11/7/2011 on my main blog. Go comment to win a Kindle Fire!

Good Enough Is the New Perfect: Finding Happiness and Success in Modern Motherhood

I'll start this review by saying of Good Enough Is the New Perfect: Finding Happiness and Success in Modern Motherhood, by Becky Beaupre Gillespie and Hollee Schwartz Temple, I agreed to do it six months ago. This review is SIX MONTHS LATE. 

I met one of the book's authors, Hollee Schwartz Temple, at the Blissdom blogging conference last year. She was giving a presentation on copyright and other legal issues that pertain to bloggers and was, to me, the picture of put-together: spiffy dress, great hair, smart as a whip, great sense of humor. When she mentioned she'd co-authored a book and what it's title was, I thought this I have to see.

I myself am a recovering perfectionist. Perfectionism got me nowhere in life but an anxiety and eating disorder. Okay, it also got me validictorian of my high school class and a 3.87 GPA in college -- but that, in turn, didn't really get me anywhere. I didn't get an amazing job because of my GPA. I didn't get people stopping me in the street to admire my credentials. I faxed things for a living in Cedar Rapids, Iowa, for the mind-boggling salary of $18k a year.

If there's one thing I'm actually trying to teach my daughter, it's that perfection usually isn't worth it. Maybe in one little area of life it's worth it -- if you're an artist or a brain surgeon or an engineer, you should attempt to achieve perfection in that area because it's really important. I sure hope the brain surgeon goes home and screws up her lawn once in a while, though, just to even things out, you know?

I liked a lot of things about this book. Every chapter started with a bulleted summary of its thesis statements -- in case you are skimming, I assumed. Which I thought was great and funny. There was a good combination of anecdotes, factual information from the research the authors did and advice. I learned a lot about the authors themselves, making this almost memoirish and more interesting. The main point: When the authors interviewed a gaggle of women, the women self-selected basically into two groups, Never Enough and Good Enough. Guess who was happier?

Having spent most of my life in the Never Enough camp and working really hard to cross the line into Good Enough, I found this book helpful, if for no other reason than to remind me there is no point to perfection -- especially when it comes to motherhood. Motherhood is actually an area in which you could do harm to your child by being too perfect. 

$50 Barnes & Noble Gift Card Giveaway Winner

Happy Friday! Just before the end of the world, someone won a $50 Barnes & Noble gift card!

And the winner is ...

Commenter #14 -- congratulations to Angie! I'll be contacting her soon to get her address. Thanks to everyone for commenting.

 

Backyard Guide to the Birds of North America

My parents host entire flocks of finches every year in their backyard, where at least three feeders hang from the tree outside the glass door. Ma even smears peanut butter on the tree's bark in the winter for the squirrels. When we bought our current house, we finally had a tree in sight of the dinner table and promptly hung a feeder, which was joined later by two more and a homemade squirrel picnic table.

So I was pretty excited when I got an email asking if I wanted to review National Geographic's Backyard Guide to the Birds of North America by Jonathan Alderfer and Paul Hess.

There's an introduction describing which kinds of birds like which types of bird food and feeders and instructions for creating a nice bird habitat. We just guessed and waited to see what would come, and we seem to attract woodpeckers, bluejays, finches, doves, sparrows, cardinals, robins and the occasional blackbird or crow. And a ton of squirrels.

The rest of the book is an illustrated guide, pointing out the differences between similar species, describing their songs and patterns and showing on a map where they live. When my parents and sister were visiting, we used the guide to settle an argument over what kind of woodpecker was gorging itself outside. Yay for NatGeo.

While the web could probably tell you the same thing, the illustrations and guides all in one spot are pretty handy. If you're like me and trying to develop a physical library at home, this is a good book to include.

 

$50 Barnes & Noble Gift Card Giveaway

I recently attended a webinar put on by Barnes & Noble's NOOK Color team to learn about the new developments in NOOK Color World.

NOOK Color's going tablet, baby. They added app shopping, web surfing (Droid platform) and an email client. The term I heard over and over was "reader tablet" -- so clearly this product isn't being positioned as just a reader anymore.

Pros:

• For adults, the pros are obvious. E-readers are perfect for travel, and if you can access your email and surf the web from your NOOK Color, why bring the laptop? Also, interactive books.
• For kids, games! And also more interactivity within certain books, particularly picture books. With a new "read and play" function, there's an opportunity to add animation and activities to go along with the story. I've seen the animation in one of the books, and it makes sense, goes with the story, and has educational value.

Want to know what I mean by "interactivity"? Here are some examples of how stuff might be embedded in your books.

 

Cons:

• For both adults and kids -- distraction. Part of the reason I love reading as a leisure activity is because it's solace from my busy online life. This is a personality thing for me. I don't find the Internet relaxing. If I knew my email was on my reader one click away, I don't know that I would actually be able to relax and read. For kids -- will they read if the alternative is Angry Birds?

As I went looking for my daughter's NOOK Color, I found her reading a book on it. (From the Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil D. Frankweiler). She was sad because I'd told her there would be apps, and she didn't see any that were kid-looking. So we went to the app store and bought a drawing pad app.

When I think of apps, I usually think of games, because I'm not really an app junkie. I always forget there are awesome apps like the one my dad has that shows the alignment of the stars at all times or this drawing pad thing. So the little angel and I spent the next 15 minutes waiting for the bus and drawing each other pictures.

All in all, I do think the improvements change the game for NOOK Color. I'd be interested to hear what an adult who uses a NOOK Color thinks of them, because in our family, the NOOK Color belongs to a seven-year-old and thus must be kept somewhat pristine with seven-year-old appropriate access to the world.

SO! Now for the fun stuff. I'm giving away a $50 Barnes & Noble gift card. Rules are same as always -- one comment equals one entry, enter as many times as you like. I'll use a randomizer to pick the winner after 5 PM Central (or whenever I remember to close comments on that night) on Thursday, May 19. Good luck!

Editor's Note: I got the same gift card for my time to attend the webinar, write this review and manage the giveaway.

The Kitchen Daughter

The Kitchen Daughter, by Jael McHenry, is an ambitious book. For one, it's narrated by a young woman with Asperger's. For another, Jael McHenry does not have Asperger's. And for a third, there are ghosts.

It's interesting that I read this book write after The Murderer's Daughters, because both books are stories of sisters and their struggles for dominance over one another. In this story, Ginny, the older sister, resists younger Amanda's efforts to get her diagnosed with Asperger's after their parents die unexpectedly. Amanda doesn't think Ginny should stay in the house alone after having been sheltered from so much as going to the store alone her whole life. Ginny worries any diagnosis will give Amanda the upper hand and reduce her chances of staying put, even as she begins to acknowledge her need to hide in closets for hours with her hands in her parents' shoes.

The best part of this debut novel is the dialogue. The character of Gert, the cleaning lady, has some great lines about grief. And the conversations between Amanda and Ginny are jarring to someone like me who has only recently begun to say what I really think instead of pretending like everything is always okay and then seething later.

For example:

Amanda says, "God, are you even listening to me?"

I tell her the truth. "No."

"This is your future we're talking about!"

"You're talking about it. I'm not."

"This is the bottom line," she says. "Will you go to the doctor to make me happy?"

"No."

"That makes me unhappy."

"Then be unhappy," I say. We're all unhappy sometimes. I don't see why Amanda should get to be exempt.

I think that's what I took from this book. I have no idea if the Asperger's parts are accurate, because I don't have any Aspies in my immediate sphere. I do like the authenticity of the relationship between the sisters and thinking about saying what you really feel and what that does to a relationship. I really could've done without the ghosts, as they didn't add anything to the story and seemed sort of thrown in as an afterthought to me. The story would've been much better without them.

Read it for the dialogue, skip the ghosts.