When Parents Hurt: Compassionate Strategies When You and Your Grown Child Don't Get Along

Even though the little angel is only three, when the Parent Bloggers Network asked if I'd like to review Dr. Joshua Coleman's latest book, When Parents Hurt:  Compassionate Strategies When You and Your Grown Child Don't Get Along, I said yes.  Why?  Partly because I thought I'd see how my parents might have felt when I was going through my rebellious stage (so sorry, Ma and Pa), and partly to see what I could encounter if I'm not compassionate during the little angel's childhood.

I'm not saying I can prevent my daughter from hating me when she's a teen and adult (if only), but there are lots of days when I really want to take the easy way out and just lose it on her.  I love my daughter more than life, but she's three, and three is a hard age.  I wanted to read something that could give me some perspective when I just want to blow my top.  This book definitely did it for me.  It made me want to be around while she is growing up, available and the adult in the room.  It made me want to hug her instead of yelling at her when she's just being a kid.  I do think parents should be parents and not friends, but when you're tired, it's easier to yell than to think of a more reasonable (and taking more energy on your part) solution, like getting down on the child's level and speaking in a normal, soft voice.  Because that, my friends, takes a lot of energy and self-control.  But Lord God in heaven, after reading this book, I want to try.

The book seems to be a self-help book for parents who are their wit's end with regard to their teen or adult children, children who now say they don't want to see their parents at all or who experience what Coleman calls "failure to launch" -- the inability to lead a "normal" adult life, complete with long-term relationships and a job. 

I thought it was a great book.  Coleman doesn't make it all our fault - he reminds us that:

This research shows that about half of the way that children behave has nothing to do with the quantity of affection and active listening and stimulating environments that we provide, and has a lot to do with what that body builder, DNA, tells it to. 

Moreover, when most people, psychologists especially, talk about nature vs. nurture, we assume the nurture part is parenting behavior.  It turns out that a more accurate calculus is 50 percent genes and 50 percent environment, with environment defined as a bunch of players in addition to mom, dad, and a cruel older brother.

Well, that's good to know.  I worry all the time that the little angel will be ruined by me and my twittering.  Turns out her peer group and potential younger siblings will do JUST as much damage, if not more, thus bequeathing twin emotions: terror and relief.

If the damage is already done, as it seems it must have been for most of this book's audience, Coleman is both compassionate and FIRM. He reminds us, as parents, that we have to continue to be the adult in the room after we are all adults.  I totally agree -- the parent/child relationship always has an authoritative quality, in my mind, even into adulthood.  I still respect and value my parents and view them as parents, not peers, even in areas where I know I'm right. :)  And I hope to God that the little angel feels the same way about me when she's 33 and I'm 63, just like my mom.

Here are some quotes I took to heart:

• Parents who can acknowledge their children's complaints without excessively defending themselves have a better chance of repairing their relationship.
• One of the ways that teens and young adults learn how to respond to stressful situations is by behaving toward us (the parents) as others behave toward them, and seeing what they can learn from the interaction.
• Our current view of children as precious and fragile may cause us to advocate for them so aggressively and diligently that they view themselves as being overly vulnerable to the inevitable slings and arrows of life.
• Children who are highly sensitive can show aggressiveness because they constantly feel as if other people's needs and requests, even requests to help or nurture them, are demands that intrude on their individuality and personal boundaries. (This was important to me because it describes me as an individual - I do feel almost drowned by other people's emotional needs sometimes and have always been accused of being "too sensitive.")
• Knowing when to stop acting like a parent is not always obvious or easy.  Here's a clue:  if your kid is out of the house and your advice always leads to conflict, it's time to keep your wisdom to yourself.

Coleman's repeating theme is dual: be compassionate to yourself as a person (if you are the parent) and be compassionate to your adult child.  Do this until it seems to not be working anymore.  Make those gestures, such as sending birthday cards or calling, even if they send futile.  You never know which effort will catch your adult child on the right day to break down the boundaries.

One of my favorite quotes in this book was actually from Mark Twain, who said, "Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment."

I need to keep that in mind when the little angel starts really screwing up.  Oh, I'm so scared.  Good book. Highly recommend it, even if you don't have an adult child.

Comments

[Dr Joshua Coleman]

Hi Rita,

Josh Coleman here, author of When Parents Hurt. I thought you really captured the essence of the book which is no small feat! Thanks so much for the review and I'm glad you found it useful.
If any of your readers have any questions, I'm happy to answer them. Josh Coleman whenparentshurt.com

[Blondie]

So cool that Josh Coleman actually responded here!! Hi Josh! I think this sounds like a great book, not only for parents, but for me (childless, unmarried). It would be interesting to read it to learn more about my own interactions with Ma. You'll have to let me (and her) borrow it. Great review. And don't worry, Little Angel will be just fine. (I think)